Fall is my favourite season. I love the change in colours and I love the cooling weather. But every fall, I’m also reminded of the worst things that have ever happened to me. Fall marks the “anniversary” of the worst experiences of my life. Every year, my brain gets overwhelmed with memories and flashbacks.
Fall 2009: I’m 17 years old and in my first semester of university. I’m naive and just want to do well and make friends. A guy in my calculus class asks if I want to hang out and I agree. He leads me across campus to the basement of the physics building where, despite my struggling, he assaults me. When I realize that I’m not going to get away and he’s not going to stop, I just switch off – mind floating out of my body – and let it happen. I never saw him again; apparently he wasn’t even in that class.
Fall 2011: I’m 19 years old now and OSAP doesn’t want to give me enough money beyond tuition to survive. I’m desperate and still incredibly naive, and I trust someone I never should have trusted. They manipulated me, and soon after I was a victim of human trafficking for 4 months of my life. At the time, though, I didn’t know I was a victim. I thought it was my fault. They convinced me that since they gave me enough money to get by and keep myself fed (to some degree, given the severity of my eating disorder at the time), that I was complicit in it all. I lied to my friends and tried to make it seem like it was all my idea, like I was okay. That entire fall was painful. Every week, I’d be driven or paid to take a greyhound out of town to an inconspicuous condo in downtown London. Men would take turns raping me. Some forced me to tell them that I liked it to ease their own conscience. Others gave me chemical burns and internal hemorrhaging and had no delusions. I’m not sure which one is worse. I’d get back to town every week, go through another week of classes, repeat. During this time, I tried everything I could to regain my control. I dated men I didn’t like for validation. I just wanted to get my control back. I wanted to use my body the way I wanted to. I skipped my own family Thanksgiving because I was told that I didn’t have a choice. I spent the whole time being raped by men who would shortly go back home to their families for Thanksgiving dinner.
Fall 2011 (again): A man traps me in the back of the bus, when I’m already on my way home from being raped all weekend, and starts stroking my leg. He follows me across 2 separate buses and, eventually, I end up jumping off the bus with no warning or plan and walking well over an hour home, barefoot, ending up with cuts on my frozen wet feet and autumn leaves stuck all over me.
Fall 2015: I used to have a close friend. Let’s call him Barry. His birthday was in fall. On November 17th of 2015, I agreed to spend time with him for his birthday. We drank, we went out to the bar, and we drank some more. Eventually, super drunk, we made our way back to his room in student housing. We watched Rick and Morty and I planned to sleep over instead of trying to get home in the middle of the night. Perfectly normal – we’d been friends for years. Until, that is, I woke up in the night with him on top of me and inside of me. My face shoved into a pillow, he couldn’t tell I’d woken up. He finished with me, cleaned me up, and wrote a note. [Very well-calculated for a guy who later claimed to be “blackout drunk and could not remember anything”.] I spent the entire night huddled in a corner in my coat, clutching that note he’d written, before buses started running in the morning and I was able to run out of there without being noticed.
Fall 2016: It had been a year since Barry had violated my trust, our friendship, and my entire being. I’d given a statement at the hospital the year prior, but now felt ready to speak to the police about what had happened – to try to get even the smallest semblance of justice. That was a terrible idea. The detective was dismissive, cruel, and completely re-traumatized me. I was stuck in that interview room with him for 3 hours – the second half of which I spent sobbing as he constantly accused me of lying and tried to get me to admit I was. Double trauma, a year apart, all because of the same damn thing. [The only positive note I can add here is that he is now, as of writing this, “retired” from his position with the police force SVU and can’t continue to do this to anyone else. To this day it takes every fibre of my being to not contact him and tell him how much he fucking ruined my sense of self and how much he traumatized me, and how I hope he suffers.]
Fall is a complicated season for me. I want to love it. I love the weather; I love the way that nature looks with the changing colours. I love fall foods and I love Halloween. I love cozy blankets and warm flavoured drinks. But ultimately, every fall, I end up sitting exactly where I am right now. Thinking back on everything that has been taken from me in this stupid time of year. I can’t get it out of my head, and at this point I feel like my friends and loved ones have to be tired of hearing me talk about how traumatizing my past has been. It’s been 10 years since the first fall trauma, 3 years since the last. I should be over it by now, right? I shouldn’t need to keep thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. But I’m not over it, though, not really.
My life is great now and I love the people in it. I have learned to love myself and have gotten through so much mental anguish and illness. I am better than I’ve ever been. However, deep down, these cracks are still here and I don’t know what to do with them.